I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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