It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
