I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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