Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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