and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
