I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
