i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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