He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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