I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
