sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
