I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
