He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
