im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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