I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
