You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
