Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
time to smoke my breakfast
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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