Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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