life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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