i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
