I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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