I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
