I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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