You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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