I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
