I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
