Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
