you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
