I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
