Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
