You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
