I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
