I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
