I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
