I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
