I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Houston, we have a blender
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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