I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
