I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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