he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
