you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
