better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
