is your mom at the bar?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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