i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
