Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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