two words: eviction party
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
