Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sober January is a disaster.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
