I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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