**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
