I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
