im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
