Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
