i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
